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The Wedding Cast with Biographical Sketches

The Blissful Couple
"Adam" was born in Ulan Batur, Mongolia to a family of falafel booth owners. Like Don Quixote, he chases windmills and has entered the witness protection program after testifying against his many enemies. Adam, which is an assumed name, has decided to continue the spirit of his family's long history of falafel sales by going to medical school and marrying Andrea.


Andrea was not born, but rather found as a bargain in an antique shop. Since then, she has been collecting her family, one item at a time and displaying them decoratively.

Rents Du Groom Rents Du Bride
Born in Baltimore, Linda dedicated herself to the quiet pursuit of needlepoint and the introspective field semiotics at an early age. However, at the age of 24 she met the bad-assed, chap wearing biker Walt who corrupted her intellectual and artistic pursuits. Now she sells homes and makes up for all those years of silence.

Arrested for the first time at age 4, Walt has been a fugitive for the last 62 years. Involved in the What's Up Tiger Lily-like world of international recipe smuggling, Walt is known to have assassinated at least one chef and three bus boys. He is also known for his lethal fluffy pancakes and golden-crispy waffles of endless burning pain. Invite yourself to his house for breakfast anytime.

Born at a very early age, Chuck was known to always be wherever he was at the moment he was there. Because of his uncanny ability to be present at the location he was, he decided to take up clock making, ensuring he is always at the right place at the right time. Today, you will find Chuck nearly everywhere he is.

Adam's Band of Merry Men Andrea's Women in Waiting
Peter Turkeltaub
Peter Turkeltaub was born to a virgin mother impregenated by God himself.Several cults have declared Him to be the messiah, which He is. KNEEL BEFORE PETER OR HE WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN WITH HIS THUNDEROUS WRATH! Peter studies medicine at a prominent university honoring a false, pitiful god, focussing on the healing of lepers and the cross-eyed. AVERT YOUR EYES, LEST YOU BE BLINDED BY HIS HOLY AURA! Unable to support His earthly physical manifestation on His meager stipend, Peter has resorted to selling unholy bakery products to heretics for sustainance. ALL YE BLASPHEMERS SHALL BE CAST BY HIS MOST OMNIPOTENT BENEFICENCE INTO THE PITS OF FIERY DAMNATION TO SUFFER IN UNTHINKABLE AGONY FOR ALL ETERNITY! Peter is also the most popular porn star in Bolivia.
Melissa Tamres

Adam Cohen
Born in Montreal in 1972, Cohen led a peripatetic childhood. His parents separated when he was five after which he lived with his mother in various parts of the world. Growing up in a wonderfully bohemian household, his writing skills developed early. "Our home was filthy with art and painting, dripping with poetry, music and literature," he recalls. "As a child I was constantly woken up by drunken poets and loud music. There were eccentric people all around and that gave me permission to do what I am doing now. In fact you could say it was expected of me." (See the rest of Adam's Bio....)
Lisa Northman
Lisa Northman grew up Buffalo, NY. However, she overcame this handicap when she made the world's largest hair straightener and curling iron. Obviously, Lisa then channeled her celebrity status into building the first free-range kitten ranch in northern VA. Here she raises kittens for their pelts and other saleable parts which she peddles like a cigarette-girl through the endless halls of Potomac Mills, the single largest contiguous monument to capitalism on the East Coast. And she is getting a Ph.D. or something.

Dave Ashman
(Theme music from X-Files) The mythology of David Ashman spans many generations. Folklore speaks of a man that influenced some of the great moments in history. One story claims that his hair somehow inspired Moses to part the Red Sea. Still, after all of the years, no one has been able to prove that David really exists. Scientists have theorized, but with no consensus to his true whereabouts. So the search continues...
Karen Krok
Soon to be Doc Krok grew up outside the city of brotherly love. She is arguably the single most wholesome and gentle person that Andrea knows. In fact, she is so wholesome and nice Adam could not find something worth making fun of. Her aspirations include finishing medical school and one day owning a car with a thermostat to automatically set the A/C and heat temperature.
Kevin Gandel
Kevin, aka Destroyer of Handrails, is working to bring free music to the world. He has collaborated with Sting on the critically acclaimed album "Bring Back Our Mp3s,"who's proceeds are being donated to the thousands of mp3 sites that have mysteriously vanished in the dead of night. Many blame the RIAA regime and its scare tactics. Nevertheless, millions of children are now left to dance in silence...

Pending Litigation: Gandel v. Sony, Gandel v. Time/Warner, Gandel v. RIAA, Gandel v. Comcast@Home, and Gandel v. Gandel (unrelated toy-throwing-onto-the-lawn event).

Stacey Berman
Peter Theodore
Under the guise of graduate school at University of Miami, Peter has been having fun in the sun and sand of South Beach. Amidst the well-toned, hard-buffed, beach bodies, hmmm . . . what's a poor clinical doctoral student to do . . .
Jenn Altmann
Over 200 years ago, Jenn Altmann accidentally stumbled upon the fountain of youth when she was 16 years old. She is the only person alive that can attest to Twinkies having a shelf-life of 180 years and who looks 12 after walking the planet for more than 2 centuries.

Unintentionally and indirectly, Jenn has shaped history. While there are many famous and infamous events, her most recent is smoking Florida presidential ballot votes on the way to Disney World.

Jenn also often wanders into Hell, where she is constantly being told of "hot" places to live by NY real estate agents and reminded she can't go "anywhere else" by auto mechanics.
Craig Johnson (stepfather of the Bride)

Craig is currently the lord of a small fiefdom that has two exports, hearing aids and poodle sweaters. Craig rules with an iron fist and a cheery smile, making sure tthat when a peseant is beaten, it is done so in a friendly, curteous manner. Craig is the former ruler of the Knights of Malta and was recruited in the early 1990s following a trade for Secretary of Agriculture and two beuracrats.

Table of Contents | Timeline | Pictures | Emily Post|Wedding Cast|Logistics
Wedding Update Articles
JulyAugSeptOctNovDecJanFebMarchAprilMayPost Wedding Round-Up