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The Wedding Planning Update - March 2001
43 days to BE (3/31/01)
Wide Gauge Washers and Pigs-in-a-Blanket
Once again, the month is winding to an end, I have been too busy, and a lot has happened in microcosm of Andrea & Adam’s All Star wedding review. On the medical front, I have been most recently learning the delicate surgical techniques of lambadomy, surgically removing the forbidden dance. In addition, I have been matched to a spot in the internal medicine residency program at the University of Maryland. Thus, A. & I will not be moving our pile of stuff in the immediate future. However, you can bet that sometime after the wedding, whilest I am on call, A. will be out shopping for a new abode that has 4 times the shelf space to store our sundry collections, like our Victorian nail clippers and French revolutionary toilet flushing pull chains.

Since I last wrote an update a number of things have happened. First, we sent out the invitations to the wedding. Shortly thereafter we won a Pulitzer for the most moving and welcoming invitation to a wedding. Better hang on to those invites, they could be worth something some day. Either way, we have had a number of people say to us, “your invitation is beautiful.” While this makes A. feel warm and fuzzy, I am hurt that we have not received any “we received your wedding invitation and were moved to tears” greeting cards yet.

This week also saw the go-for-the-jugular final arraignments with the Belvedere. Here is a brief excerpt of the proceedings:

Belvedere Lady: Of course, your guests will need to breath during the ceremony, cocktail hour, and reception. And for your convenience the Belvedere adds the cost of oxygen into the rental fee. However, you can choose to upgrade the “respiration package” to the deluxe or what we call “dancing and excitement breath rate package.” For an extra $746.45 a person, we will ensure that enough oxygen will be available for you guests to breathe at a maximum rate of 35 breaths a minute, accommodating activity such as dancing to swing music and/or briskly crossing the room to use the bathroom or reach the wet bar. We strongly recommend this package.

A.’s Mom: Does everbody have to dance at once?

Me: How about people with portable oxygen tanks?

A.’s Dad: Can I hold my breath for the entire ceremony?

Belvedere Lady: Now let’s talk about the facility amortization calculated by average footsteps per guest fee…

Just remember, we will need everyone to breath slowly and take big steps for the entire night.

While we were at the Belvedere meeting A. put on her Wedding Cake Architect hat in designing the A & A all star wedding cake. At three stories high, our guests will actually enter the cake and eat their way out. Assuming the permits come through in time, we will be handing out commemorative bibs prior to the cake entering ceremony.

Also this week, A. and I got to handle our wedding rings. You might remember a while back I designed our snazzy looking rings. And uncle Stuart did a great job of taking my idea from paper to gold. However, I was slapped in the face, like a naughty stepchild, with the reality of my chubby little pigs-in-a-blanket-like fingers. I have never had a ring made for me before and was I surprised when our wedding bands came out. There was A.’s, a beautiful representation of the interlocking rings I had imagined. Then there was mine, part #23a-723 a wide gauge washer from the build-it-yourself dishwasher installation kit. I have since begun finger calisthenics to make my digits into svelte little poles of bone and flesh.

Feel free to check back soon, I am off now, and dedicating all our time to the betterment of BE, our soon to emerge blessed event.

Over and out.

60 days to BE (3/14/01)
Would the real Adam Weinstein please stand up?
Unlike the final episode of A.L.F., I have not been left in a field. In fact, I’ve been hanging out at Baltimore’s own Darwin Award Distribution Center, Shock Trauma. All I can say is, I have stayed up many nights in the past few weeks making sure people that do dumb shit don’t die from their stupidity.

One of the side effects of spending a month with the Darwin Award runner-ups at Shock Trauma, is the chronic sleep depravation of being on call every 3rd night. Being tired all the time has led to a fair number of “incidents” that have left me with the nickname Tinkerbell. For instance, on walking down the steps the other day, I accidentally swiped a picture off the wall determining that much like a one-winged bird, a picture too can crash to the ground. And the most shocking act to date: the murder of Mrs. Butterworth. See, I was planning on having some of Mrs. B’s mapley goodness on some crispy-golden Eggo waffles. However, as soon as I attempted to liberate Mrs. Butter from her home on the top shelf of the A&A fridge-eh-der (as my grandfather would say), she slipped from my hand and cracked nearly in half. If Mrs. B was a person she would have had to go to Shock Trauma. But she isn’t, so I stood there and voyeuristically watched as Mrs. B’s innards oozed from her fractured body. Oh the horror!

As some of our faithful readers may know, there has been an informal attempt to identify all the Adam Weinstein’s of the world in an effort to make sure Andrea has made the right decision. That is to say, she has committed to marry an Adam Weinstein, but she still can choose which Adam Weinstein. As such, we are announcing the immediate beginning of the “Find the Adam Weinstein Contest.” Here are the rules:

1. Scour the world for all persons that have the name “Adam Weinstein.”
2. Send the address and/or e-mail of the alleged Adam Weinstein to Adam Weinstein.
3. Who ever has found the most Adam Weinsteins by May 1, 2001 will receive two all-inclusive tickets to Andrea and whichever Adam she chooses wedding. This includes seats at the ceremony and reception, personal congratulations from the happy couple, and a fine little jar of jam to take home and spread on whatever they want.

On the wedding front, I have recently finished our wedding database. In fact, I have set it up such that A’s mom can mark off who is coming and who is not (once the invites go out) over the Internet. In the meantime, A. and I will be defraying the cost of the wedding by selling your name and address to every junk mailer in the nation. (Just kidding!)

Speaking of invitations, A. has been spending a lot of time recently reading about the rules of invitation address etiquette. Since we are interested in measuring how well we are doing as the marrying couple, we will be instituting a multitude of invitee satisfaction surveys to measure your enjoyment of our wedding throughout the invitation, response, and attendance periods. For instance, the following questionnaire will be sent out with the invitations:

After carefully reading the enclosed invitation please indicate your feelings about the following statements:

1. Based on the wording of the invitation, I feel like A & A really want me at their wedding:
Strongly Agree 1 2 3 4 5 Strongly Disagree

2. Based on the font chosen, I feel A&A really like me:
Strongly Agree 1 2 3 4 5 Strongly Disagree

3. I wish A&A had spelled my name correctly:
Strongly Agree 1 2 3 4 5 Strongly Disagree

4. Based on the look and feel of the invitation I feel compelled to buy a very expensive gift:
Strongly Agree 1 2 3 4 5 Strongly Disagree

5. Based on the texture of the invitation paper, I too want to marry someone named Adam Weinstein:
Strongly Agree 1 2 3 4 5 Strongly Disagree

The wedding planning update is to Adam and Andrea's wedding what The National Enquirer is to news. While other sections of this site contain actual facts, this part is mostly opinion. Feel free to contact us if you find yourself on the cusp of action based on what you read here and are wondering what the hell I am talking about.

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Wedding Update Articles
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