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The Wedding Planning Update - January 2001

104days to BE (1/29/01)
The Hideous Five-Headed Groomsman
Happy Year of the snake! Nothing, I have been told, bodes as well for a marriage as getting married under the sign of slithering reptile. Let's just hope it's not poisonous.

Speaking of the Chinese, I saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon last week. Though it may be pointing out the obvious, I saw many parallels between the love story of the main kung-fu fighting dude and his kung-fu fighting woman and the relationship that A. and I have. For instance they had to defeat the evil witch who stole the Kung-fu secret instruction book. Likewise, A. and I have to overcome the possibility of serving less than tasty food at the wedding. To do this, we have had to take on many poorly made dishes and using our superior kung-fu digesting, we have vanquished our inanimate foe! (If that isn't relationship solidifying, I don't know what is...) In fact, were it not for the Chinese with English subtitles, I could have sworn I was watching the Andrea and Adam wedding story.

And speaking of Crouching, A. and I made a trip to our local formal wear shoppe to peruse the many possibilities of garb available for my merry men. After our color selections were made, we chose straight ties with black vests. However, there was much debate over the number of buttons that our tuxedo jackets should have. Our options ranged from 1 to 164 buttons. Maybe we'll just button all the groomsmen's coats together to form a hideous 5-headed groomsman with 10 legs enclosed by 25 yards of tuxedo fabric. ($10 to the person who submits a drawing of that image!)

In other exciting news, I have designed our wedding bands. I combined my deep well of traditional Jewish jewelry knowledge with my keen sense of precious metals and I came up with the following design:

Luckily, A.'s uncle Stuart, who happens to be a real jeweler, will be using real knowledge to actually make the rings.

Well, Nightline just came on and thus, I must bid you a fair thee well. I like to watch Ted Kopple as intently and free of distraction as possible.


118days to BE (1/15/01)
You like me, you really like me, you really really like me!
In the spirit of George Bush's cabinet secretary confirmation hearings, A. and I have decided to implement a more rigorous procedure to ensure that my merry men and her women in waiting have not harbored any illegal aliens, passed off regular coffee as decaf, or ever ogled a member of the opposite sex for lewd purposes. If you have any dirt on any of our wedding party members pass it on. But be prepared to testify on C-Span. There will be hearings.

Also, the time has come to begin considering various gifts for the groomsman. Amongst the options I am considering, the ultimate groomsman gift has come to my attention. It is a knife-pen-flask-money clip-bottle opener that doubles as a tee, holds 6 condoms, has a ratchet attachment, can be used to suspend an automobile engine from chain, cuts through seat belts, illuminates to wave down passing truckers, has a salt shaker, and comes pre-imbued with warm, manly memories of our masculine friendships. (I feel like I need a man-hug after beating a drum!) However, the question posed to me after seeing this fine device was, "How much would I pay for this item?" The answer: not much. So, I'm back to figuring out what the hell to buy my man-friends. I'll keep you updated on my thought processes as I wade through the puddles of testosterone. (Hey, has anyone ever made penis-shaped pasta called testosteroni?)

In other exciting news, today, received its first piece of no-foolin', unsolicited praise from a fellow soon-to-be-wed web searcher who happened upon our site. Though I haven't received her explicit permission to post the letter, here it is:

From: <removed to protect the innocent>
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2001 14:35:26 EST
Subject: dear adam and andrea
MIME-Version: 1.0

Dear A&A,

I stumbled across your site while searching for local tux shops for my
harried husband-to-be - one question - have you considered publishing?  

After ten LONG months of slogging thru vapid, cupid-encrusted wedding related
websites, yours was a sheer delight.  If you don't mind, I may drop by from
time to time, just to remind myself to keep a sense of humor.   

I'd give you the url to our own site, but I don't think we could bear the

Best wishes for a smooth and successful Adam and Andrea's Third Millennial
All-Star Rag Time Slightly Off-Broadway Buffet-Style Intro-retrospective
Wedding with your Host, Wilfred Brimely, starring the Quaker Oat Dancers and
the captain Crunch Crew, and featuring PJPII.  I don't think we can afford
regular seats, but if any rush tickets become available, do let us know.

-j. wonio

Can you believe it? Our little web site here is talking to the world. (You like me, you really like me, you really really like me!) I better stop before my head no longer fits through the doorway. And you can bet whatever we have for dinner at the wedding is going to be cupid-encrusted. (Do you have to take the feathers out of the wings first?) Over and out.

130 days to BE (1/3/01)
Adam and Andrea’s Third Millennial All-Star Rag Time Slightly Off-Broadway Buffet-Style Intro-retrospective Wedding
With the verve and precision of D-day planning, A. and I have broken out the map (and our web browsers) and have put the finishing touches on our invasion of Provence. Not only have I learned that Provence is spelled Provence (and not Provance), but would you believe we may bike past the home of Nostradamus. I bet he knew we were coming. Below you see a map of France with ProvEnce highlighted. The orange circle is the big view of the area we are biking. Adam and Andrea Engagement and Wedding

Adam and Andrea Engagement and Wedding

Though I would not use the term “best shape of my life” to describe my current physical condition, I think this honeymoon is going to be swank.

I would like to take this time to talk about word inflation. See, last week, when we were at the local consumer shrine, Towson Towne Mall, I noticed a marketing trend that devalues all of the English language. Specifically, there are a large number of stores that call themselves “outlets” or “warehouses” that don’t offer any greater value for your money than a non-outlet store. Added to this trend is the hyperbole spiral. For example store A calls itself Widget Warehouse and store B responds by calling itself the Super Widget Warehouse Outlet. Then a store C comes along and calls itself the New York (known for being the chief manufacturer of Widgets) Manufacturer-direct Super Low Priced Widget Outlet Warehouse. So what’s the point? (I’m glad you asked.) The point is, that based on these standards BE may get a better turnout if we market it as more than JUST a wedding. That’s right readers, from now on BE is going to be Adam and Andrea’s Third Millennial All-Star Rag Time Slightly Off-Broadway Buffet-Style Intro-retrospective Wedding with your Host, Wilfred Brimely, starring the Quaker Oat Dancers and the Captain Crunch Crew, and featuring PJPII (Pope John Paul II). I suspect with that little string of verbiage we should shine far above any other wedding for many years to come.

132 days to BE (1/1/01)
Hunting and Gathering
According to what I have read, Paleolithic tribes of early humans were hunter-gatherers before "settling down." Well, A. and I have been recently reenacting these ancient rituals but instead of woolly mammoth meat, we came home with goods hunted down and gathered at the local shopping mall. Here are some cave-wall pictures of our most recent trip:

Adam and Andrea Engagement and Wedding
Here we are going to the local mall, Towson Town.
Notice that in place of a spear, I am carrying a credit card.

Adam and Andrea Engagement and Wedding
Here we are scouting out prey by hiding behind a natural barrier, the clothes racks.
We look for the slowest of the pack, perhaps the bag on the top shelves?

Adam and Andrea Engagement and Wedding
Sometimes after a kill members of another tribe will attempt to steal our game.
Here, Andrea is fighting off such an attack.

Adam and Andrea Engagement and Wedding
After the hunt, A. and I celebrate through ritual dance.
Here, A. is holding the newly killed game while I dance with my Visa and receipt in hand!

As you can see, A. and I have successfully taken on our stone-age roles and rituals. Truly, we are made for each other.

In other exciting news, the contract for The Elm, our place for the rehearsal dinner, is in my hands. Unfortunately, the envelope was addressed to Mark Weinstein and Andrea Tamres. Is this a mistake or is there another question as to the legitimacy of your author and groom-to-be? Either way, check out our logistics page for directions and phone numbers and such.

Lastly, I want to emphasize how boring other wedding web sites can be. That is to say, after searching the web for "a comparable Jewish couple from Pikesville" I found Jeanne & Hillel's Wedding Web Site. I'm sure they're very nice and all, but their wedding web site is as uninspired as web sites come. So for all of you who feel obligated to read this site (for whatever reason) thank the deity of your choice it is interesting (I don't see any cave drawings of shopping trips on Jeanne and Hillel's site! So there).

The wedding planning update is to Adam and Andrea's wedding what The National Enquirer is to news. While other sections of this site contain actual facts, this part is mostly opinion. Feel free to contact us if you find yourself on the cusp of action based on what you read here and are wondering what the hell I am talking about.

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